Better

From my previous post;
"I'm well aware that the shift is wholly mental, and I'm also aware that I'm pretty likely to wake up tomorrow morning feeling fine again."
Damn right. I woke up this morning and felt pretty much fine, the way I always do in the morning, still unsure how I really feel. Then I got stuck into the business of the day and it was a good day.
So that's that, I just wanted to let you all know that I'm back in the saddle again, that I bounced right back up. I'm sorry about that little blip! It's also now more than half way through the week as we will apparently be having Saturday off, which we hadn't expected. So that's pretty fantastic. I'm also going to see The Roots live on Friday night, something I've wanted to do since I first got into their music years ago. I'm more excited about that than I could possibly tell you and my next post will probably be dedicated to raving about the show. Or maybe I'll be on again tomorrow night saying that I'm just about fit to burst with excitement. We'll see. Anyway, for now, I hope you Guys are well. Peace out xxxxx

Apathy

Hey Guys. Sorry I haven't been on for a while, I haven't felt I've really had anything meaningful to say, nor have I had the head to sit and blog. Not that anything's been wrong though, everything's been peachy. Until today. The day started great, I felt good, in good form, like every other day recently. Went to work. Had a slightly irritating day, but no more irritating than any other day for the last few weeks. Then, on the way home, it hit. Apathy. I got home, lay on the couch and watched Scrubs, episode after episode after episode. I couldn't even be arsed to eat dinner. How do I feel? God, I really couldn't say, and I sure as hell couldn't say why. Just like the other week everything was inexplicably great, all of a sudden it's not. I'm well aware that the shift is wholly mental, and I'm also aware that I'm pretty likely to wake up tomorrow morning feeling fine again. But then maybe not. See I know this feeling. It starts off small, you just feel kind of pissed off and fed up and ask yourself what the point is, why you bother. You know you should fight the feeling, that it's a downward spiral that can last for months if you leave it unchecked, but you give in because right now you just can't be arsed fighting it. And there's the killer. Because every day you leave it, it gets a little worse, and the worse it gets, the less you can be bothered to fight it. And it's so ridiculous. I used to let it swamp me, and may well do so this time too, even though I can look at it and see so very clearly that it's preposterous. It's a drama that has no place in my life. I have a great life with very comfortable circumstances, I have a job which I always wanted to be doing, with almost endless possibilties for self improvement, yet there seems to be a switch in me that can be flicked to 'self destruct' in a heartbeat.
And you know what else? It bores me. I bore me, and that only contributes to the ill feeling. I can't be bothered to write about this, I shouldn't be dignifying it. I'm sorry Guys. And don't worry about me, I'm fine. Maybe we all just need to hit rock bottom once in a while, and when there's no good reason to do so something deep inside triggers and we create our own downward spiral out of nothing. I hope you're all well. xxxxx

Very clever

Hey Guys, sorry I haven't posted for a while and to now just throw someone else's words at you, but they're good, far better than anything I could come up with. Enjoy.

ON THE LIGHTER SIDE: A humourous look at the Realms of Rebirth:

"Thermodynamics of Hell" - A true story. [This is an internet posting by an Australian University student -- ed].
A thermodynamics professor had written a take-home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. I, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

#1 So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

#2 Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Trish Bolinski during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.
This paper got the only "A" in the class.

P.S.(In case you're wondering)

In case you're wondering what the recipesnstuff link that leads you to an empty blog page is, it's my new food blog. An excellent idea which I poached from somebody else(no pun intended). I only just created it and will be posting soon, so keep your eyes peeled(no pun intended)

It's all good

Now we all know it's never a good idea to say something like this as it seems like tempting fate but what the hell? Right now I feel on top of the world, on top of my game. I feel great, and it's not just that life's perfect, because it's not, what's perfection anyway? I just feel here, now. I feel at harmony with the world, so much so that I often find myself standing in a truly mind-numbingly boring rehearsal, look around and think to myself, "this is beautiful. Being here now, with these people, it's amazing." Or I just look around me and think how perfect everything is, and how utterly beautiful. Again, it's not that this is the ultimate, I can think of several places I'd love to be, it's just good, and it's something that I could never explain properly. It's something magical and inexplicable. I'm sure you've all been there too, but we forget quickly. I'm sure that sometime soon I'll come down off this trip and have a few real shitty days, maybe weeks, even if right now it feels like nothing could ever be wrong again. That's why I wanted to share. I don't wish to be annoyingly smug my life is great boy, but I do want you all to know I'm well. I wish I could share this with you all in more than just words. If I had to give it up to let you all have just a taste of it, I would in a heartbeat. I love you all and wish you enough. I wish you peace in your hearts, and the strength to be in harmony with the worlds you inhabit.

Regarding my last post

Well, since knocking off a quick post last night about the ridiculous comments of Reverend Bill Banuchi, leader of the New York Christian coalition, I actually googled the coalition and found their website. I must admit, it didn't make me laugh that much. There is, of course, plenty to laugh about. For example, their title page is a collage of pictures of the Statue of Liberty, American flag and that big tall building in New York, whatever it is(the Empire State building?). And this has precisely what to do with Christianity?
Hmmm, so on to the site itself. Now I must admit my ignorance as, from looking at this site, it seems that Rev Bill is one of the most prominent figures in the anti same sex marriage lobby in America, and has probably featured many times in the news. I very rarely watch the news. The stuff on the website is no less ridiculous than the article I copied out in my previous post, but the level of ignorance and bigotry is quite astonishing. I would expect that from a fascist leader, not a religious leader. I've said this before, but I will say it again, and again, probably until I'm blue in the face, what place do intolerance and fear have in religion? Should religion not teach acceptance, tolerance and love for all people, regardless of creed, colour, race, sexuality, whatever? You would think that we would have learned by now. America are one of the nations in the world suffering the most under guilt for the persecution of other races, you would think that they would see that persecution of homosexuals is no different.
Ok, I've been referring to the NYCC website but have had to close the page as there is just too much, too much that I'd love to comment on. Go check it out for yourselves. As I've yet to figure out how to put links up on my blog and don't really have the time right now to do it(not to mention the fact that I wouldn't want people seeing the link to their site on my blog and thinking that I am promoting it), just google new york christian coalition. Check it out. Laugh. Cry. Be astounded. The contradictions are just too much. My dear God.
Back to homosexuality, however, when reading the site, there are so many references to it. Here is one, from a piece about a proposed hate crimes legislation;

2. The bill legitimizes homosexuality by creating special victim categories, not only for those of minority races, but also for those who are homosexuals, transsexuals, and other "sexual orientations." This bill equates sexual preference with race and religion. This is precisely why the radical homosexual lobby is pushing so hard for this bill. It will forever entrench homosexuality as a "civil right" instead of the self-destructive, immoral, sinful behavior which it is. It is a stealth attempt to legislate a new morality.

Can you believe that? And there was me thinking that we'd evolved so much as a race since Victorian times(and, sadly, up until not so long ago), when they would try to "cure" homosexuals by a number of means, including a lobotomy. What is it going to take for people to finally accept that being gay is not a choice that people make, nor some outrageous behaviour, but something as natural as being born a certain race or gender? And immoral? I don't think so. It's sure as hell not as immoral as being bigoted and full of shit and forcing your views on people who look to you for guidance and wisdom. My God. Once again, I find myself speechless. There is so much more that I could say but it would all seem so inadequate. Why must we continue to let fear rule our lives?

You must be kidding

In the green room at work today, a gay friend of mine was reading Pride, Queensland's gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender community magazine. He showed me an article , which I shall copy out for you below;

GAYS SHOULD WEAR 'WARNING LABELS'

The gay 'lifestyle' is so unhealthy, gays should be forced to wear warning labels, according to New York Christian coalition leader Rev Bill Banuchi.
"We put warning labels on cigarette packs because we know that smoking takes one to two years off the average life span, yet we 'celebrate' a lifestyle that we know spreads every kind of sexually transmitted disease and takes at least twenty years off the average life span according to the 2005 issue of the revered scientific journal Psychological reports", Banuchi said.


Well what can I say, except God, reverend Barbie, how do you put your bra and panties on every morning, all by yourself?! Who actually says things that stupid? I must apologise to any gay people who may find those comments offensive as I am well aware that it could be quite upsetting and would certainly get some gay friends of mine worked up into a rage, but it's just laughable really. I also feel secure that the gay community has nothing to fear with men like reverend Banuchi as their enemies. And to think that this man is the leader of anything, let alone an organisation of that size and significance. I'm lost for words, I really am.

Freedom

It strikes me as strange sometimes to hear people bitching about the state of the world today and going on to blame politicians and world leaders, people like, need I say, the unholy trinity-Bush, Blair and Howerd. Does that not strike anyone else as just a little peculiar, or is it just me? How could one person, or even a handful, if you put them all together, screw everything up for everybody. How can they be responsible for the whole world going mad? The easy answer, they can't. They aren't. The world is the way it is because that's the way it's supposed to be, the way it's got to be. If all the people who say they'd love to change the world really did, and were really that committed, they could change it. There seems, however, to be something inherent in all of us which is aware of a balance that must exist in the world. You see ours is a world of polar opposites, and must be, for how can we know joy without sorrow, gain without loss, love without hate? One must exist in order for the other to, and if we were to eliminate suffering, our capacity for joy would become greatly diminished.(that is, of course, totally hypothetical, as I have just said, I think there is a balance in the world which must and always will be maintained.)
So why do we bitch the way we do, and why do we get so mad at those individuals? Admittedly they are annoying, my girlfriend Lisa would be the first to tell you what I think of them, after the monumental rant I went off on after seeing Blair's pathetic effort at a speech after the bombs in London. That's why I turn the TV off. That's why I so rarely watch the news. Because that is what I think our freedom is. It is something no politician, nor anybody else for that matter, can take away from us. Our freedom is the freedom to be above that all, to be alive and breathe in and out and say their world is not my world. I create my world. I know I'm not really expressing myself very well but with a bit of luck some of you can see what I'm trying to get at. The media seems largely to be indicating that the world has gone mad, that we are living in some seriously dark times and I don't choose to buy that. I see beauty everywhere, I think that this is a wonderful world we live in and this will probably not go down well with some of you but I wouldn't change a single bit of it. Not one bit. We need poverty, and disease, and war and suffering because we need to strive. We learn to define ourselves by our action and reactions and if we have nothing to react to, how can we?
As a very wise man once said, "Some people got problems, man they got awful complications. Other people got perfect situations with no provocation". (Jack Johnson)
And as a not so wise, and quite hairy man once said, "we are not tied by these ropes, not restricted by these boundaries. As we are free to be chained, so we are free to be free"(me)
Well, I've run out of steam I'm afraid. I had a point I wanted to make and started blogging and it seems I've kind of gone off half cocked, so to speak. And maybe I'm just talking shit too, because I'm feeling pretty much on top of the world at the moment. I'm sure I wouldn't have felt this way last Monday, when I was having a realy shit day and was in the wrongest mood I've been in for a long time. (n.b. I am well aware that "wrongest" is not a word. At least it wasn't until thirty seconds ago when I made it up. Now it is, so shut up, smartarse, when was the last time you made up a word?) I do think that there's something in it though. I'll get back to you when I've gotten my head together. Before I go though, I will leave you with the Prophet's opinion on the matter. I do recommend reading it over and over as it just gets better. Enjoy.

ON FREEDOM

And an orator said, Speak to us of Freedom.
And he answered:
At the city gate and by your fireside I have seen you prostrate yourselves and worship your own freedom,
Even as slaves humble themselves before a tyrant and praise him though he slays them.
Ay, in the grove of the temple and in the shadow of the citadel I have seen the freest among you wear their freedom as a yoke and a handcuff.
And my heart bled within me; for you can only be free when even the desire of seeking freedom becomes a harness to you, and when you cease to speak of freedom as a goal and a fulfilment.

You shall be free indeed when your days are not without a care nor your nights without a want and a grief,
But rather when these things girdle your life and yet you rise above them naked and unbound.

And how shall you rise beyond your days and nights unless you break the chains which you at the dawn of your understanding have fastened around your noon hour? In truth that which you call freedom is the strongest of these chains, though its links glitter in the sun and dazzle your eyes.

And what is it but fragments of your own self you would discard that you may become free?
If it is an unjust law you would abolish, that law was written with your own hand upon your own forehead.
You cannot erase it by burning your law books nor by washing the foreheads of your judges, though you pour the sea upon them.
Anf if it is a despot you would dethrone, see first that his throne erected within you is destroyed.
For how can a tyrant rule the free and the proud, but for a tyranny in their own freedom and a shame in their own pride?
And if it is a care that you would cast off, that care has been chosen by you rather than imposed upon you.
And if it is a fear you would dispel, the seat of that fear is in your heart and not in the hand of the feared.

Verily all things move within your being in constant half embrace, the desired and the dreaded, the repugnant and the cherished, the pursued and that which you would escape.
These things move within you as lights and shadows in pairs that cling.
And when the shadow fades and is no more, the light that lingers becomes a shadow to another light.
And thus your freedom when it loses its fetters becomes itself the fetter of a greater freedom.

-Kahlil Gibran


Get your heads around that! Awe inspiring stuff, but not easy to grasp. Not for me, anyway. Ok Guys, I'm off to bed. You take good care and I'll write again soon. Peace, Brothers and Sisters ;D

For T, J and T

Let me tell you a little story. My Mum went to primary school with a Lady called Denise. They grew up and went to the same secondary(high) school, and the same college. They both got married and had children(not together, don't be gross!). Denise and her husband had two children, Tim and Lizzie. Lizzie was a few years older than me, and Tim a few more. Denise and Dave remained close friends of the family so we saw them fairly often growing up but due I suppose to the age difference, I never really got to know Tim or Liz that well. Then, when I moved to Brisbane last July, Mum pointed out that Tim and his Wife Jan had moved to Brisbane about six months before, and that I should try and get in touch with him. I intended to, but me being me(prooooooocrastinator, alright!), didn't get around to it. Then, when at home at Christmas, I saw Denise and Dave, Tim's parents. Denise suggested that she take my address so that she could pass it on to Tim and he could get in touch with me. When I wrote it down she said, "Oh, Tim lives in Highgate Hill"(the suburb we live in)", in fact I think that's his street as well". How uncanny. So when I was back in Brisbane I gave Tim a call and we established he lived across the road from me. Like right across the road. Now what are the chances of that?!
So I went over and saw him and met Jan, at that time around seven months pregnant with their first child, and it was the beginning of a beautiful few months. I don't know how many of you are lucky enough to have found a certain person or group of people in your life at a certain time and they've been just what the doctor ordered. It was a strange time for all of us. For me, although I'd been here five months before going home for Christmas, I still didn't quite feel settled. Then I spent a wonderful Christmas at home with friends and family, people I feel like I've known forever, in the one place I will always call home(London). I came back wishing I could've stayed, and feeling once again somewhat alone, somewhat out of my element. For Tim and Jan, they were expecting their first Baby, with all the stresses and strains that brings. They were staying in Brisbane somewhat temporarily, waiting to have the Baby, get sorted and move up to their new house in Cairns.
So we clicked. It was a truly beautiful time. Tim and Jan brought so much to our lives in that short time. They were responsible for our first trip to the beach here, they kept an eye on our apartment when we went away on tour, they gave us the immeasurable pleasure of letting us share the first few months of their beautiful Baby Tyler's life, letting us be a small part of that miracle. There was something so homely about just wandering over the road and saying Hi, or being on the way home and seeing Tim out the front doing stuff on the car and stopping for a natter. They made Brisbane feel more homely to me, helped make it my home.
Now, sadly, they've moved up to Cairns. Well, I say sadly because it is sad in a way for us, and we will miss so much having them right there. It is, however, a wonderful new start for them, in a beautiful city, in a beautiful home which they are making all their own, as a family, and I wish them all the luck in the world. I couldn't imagine three people more deserving of all the wonderful things that the world, and Cairns, have to offer. So Guys, thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I do miss you a whole shitload, but you left a beautiful legacy, even now you're gone, Brisbane's still home. I can't wait to come and see you Guys up there and just hope it won't be too long 'til we get the time. And if you fancy a trip down to Brissie, I don't think I need to say it but, Mi Casa....
Tim, good times Brother, Jan, I'll always keep a tin of beans in the cupboard for you and lil' T, give 'em hell ;D
Love you Guys xxxxxxxxx

Devotion and Fanaticism

I've been thinking about my job lately, about being a dancer and, in a broader sense, being an artist. You see ever since I was nine I wanted to dance. When I was sixteen and got to go to full time ballet school, something I had dreamed of every day for the previous seven years, I was over the moon. Then, very quickly, I did what humans always seem to do, I began to take it for granted. It became routine and I began to bitch and moan a lot, that this wasn't the career I'd imagined, that it wasn't going the way I wanted, I wasn't getting the chances, etc., etc., etc. Ballet seems to be something that either attracts or creates a lot of real hardcore people, the sort of people that become fanatical, and I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be a ballet freak. Furthermore, I objected when people I worked for, people who had been in a position where they found it neccessary to make great sacrifices, and chose to do so, expected me to make the same sacrifices that they did. For example, one of the things one often hears as a dancer, mostly when working with a certain older generation, are accounts of, and comparisons to, Nureyev as well as other great dancers. Now I'm sure even those of you who know nothing whatsoever of dance have heard of Nureyev at one time or another as he was and is considered to be one of the greatest, and also most important male dancers of all time. I won't go into it too much but to give you a brief idea, Nureyev lived and died for his art. According to many accounts, he was an absolute perfectionist, workaholic, and a very isolated, troubled man. I was once told, when a lot younger, having a drink of water at the end of barre(the first part of a dancer's class at the beginning of the day), that I shouldn't be drinking during class, that, "Nureyev never drank during class, so nor should you!". This was no idiot either, this was a very well respected ballet teacher, and someone I respected greatly. I thought that was a bit much though. That's just an example, but you hear that sort of thing often. Or you get, "What, your foot has swollen to twice it's normal size? So and so danced the whole of Swan Lake in the main role with a fractured femur, I think you can manage this rehearsal". It seems crazy to me. It's great to have things to aspire to, role models to look up to, but to be expected to bring the same level of commitment, to make the same sacrifices as some superstar? It's like your boss coming up to you at your desk in the IT department and going, "I know someone who worked with Bill Gates and he doesn't have coffee breaks, so why should you?". Sorry, probably a lame example, but I think you know what I'm trying to get at. Everyone applies themselves according to their own personal capabilities and inclination, what they want out of life. THEY choose to make the sacrifices they do.
So anyway, lately I've been thinking about what we do. We(dancers), choose to do what we do because we love it and we want to do it(obviously I speak for myself and, I believe, the vast majority). It is a damn hard job and requires commitment of the highest level, both physically and mentally. Often you push yourself so hard you feel like your body is going to break. Often it does. And often you then have to keep on pushing through. And the pay is pretty shitty. So when the going gets rough, you do often find yourself saying, "why do I bother? I could be doing something that demanded so much less of me and that I got paid so much more for." But isn't that what artists do? When I think about it, that is the plight of the artist, to find truth in their life, to achieve the highest realization of themself possible, regardless of the discomfort it may bring. They commit whole heartedly to the thing they choose to do, they become absorbed by it. Maybe it's only right, that seeing as we're lucky enough to have found something that we are totally passionate about, we should commit ourselves wholly to it. What greater purpose is there to life? The pursuit of money? Possessions? A life of ease and plenty? Maybe the real answer is that it's all relative, that it's all just as meaningful, and as meaningless. But maybe I'll just try and be a little more committed, to not fight it as much. Hmmm, this is all just questions. I also don't think it's a very good blog. I'm just thinking out loud really.
There was, however, a point that I wanted to make and that was this; Dance is something that it's exponents are passionate about, and devoted to. There are some wonderful people in the profession, people who are just as passionate and devoted, if not moreso, than others. They give their all and wish to give what they have to give. When teaching they offer the knowledge they have, they aspire to inspire, and they push their students, in order to help the student get the most out of being a dancer, and for the sake of the art. Then there are people who are obsessed with ballet. They live and breathe it, and think about nothing else. They live to dance, and when their career as a dancer is over, they become a teacher, clinging to the only world they've ever known. They push their students in an altogether different way. Often they tell them about the sacrifices that they, and other people made, implying that you should also make those sacrifices. They give an impression of being more devoted than anyone else ever was, and you could ever be, and make people feel bad if they don't dance 'til they drop every day. I suppose with those people it's all about ego(one of the biggest killers in our profession ;D), they do it for the limelight. Then no amount of it ever satisfies, and when they're out of it, they have to fight for some sort of way to be in it again. They vent on the people they teach every day who are lucky enough to be young and dancing.
That's a very broad generalisation. Everybody is different, everybody's motives are different, and the level of consciousness with which people act are different. The trouble is, when you're dealing with passion and devotion, you tread a very fine line, and on the other side, oh so very close, is fanaticism. It's like in many things. Take religion, for example. There are so many people in the world who have a wonderful faith in God, and a certain religion. They have a passion for it and it's teachings, for the joy it brings to their lives. They devote themselves to sharing that joy with others, and to sharing how they found that. Then there are the fanatics. Now I really don't know what connection a fanatic truly has to a religion. Isn't the ultimate purpose of religion to bring joy, liberation, unity, hope and eventually liberation from suffering? To commune with a higher intelligence, a higher state of being. So what does adhering so strictly to a set of rules that we are prepared to persecute, punish, kill and die for them really have to do with that?
In my mind, nothing.
I hope you Guys are all well. I also hope that you're not too perplexed by this somewhat odd blog. Tee hee. Oddblog. Maybe I should rename my blog that! Love you Guys xxxxxx