Devotion and Fanaticism

I've been thinking about my job lately, about being a dancer and, in a broader sense, being an artist. You see ever since I was nine I wanted to dance. When I was sixteen and got to go to full time ballet school, something I had dreamed of every day for the previous seven years, I was over the moon. Then, very quickly, I did what humans always seem to do, I began to take it for granted. It became routine and I began to bitch and moan a lot, that this wasn't the career I'd imagined, that it wasn't going the way I wanted, I wasn't getting the chances, etc., etc., etc. Ballet seems to be something that either attracts or creates a lot of real hardcore people, the sort of people that become fanatical, and I never wanted to be like that. I never wanted to be a ballet freak. Furthermore, I objected when people I worked for, people who had been in a position where they found it neccessary to make great sacrifices, and chose to do so, expected me to make the same sacrifices that they did. For example, one of the things one often hears as a dancer, mostly when working with a certain older generation, are accounts of, and comparisons to, Nureyev as well as other great dancers. Now I'm sure even those of you who know nothing whatsoever of dance have heard of Nureyev at one time or another as he was and is considered to be one of the greatest, and also most important male dancers of all time. I won't go into it too much but to give you a brief idea, Nureyev lived and died for his art. According to many accounts, he was an absolute perfectionist, workaholic, and a very isolated, troubled man. I was once told, when a lot younger, having a drink of water at the end of barre(the first part of a dancer's class at the beginning of the day), that I shouldn't be drinking during class, that, "Nureyev never drank during class, so nor should you!". This was no idiot either, this was a very well respected ballet teacher, and someone I respected greatly. I thought that was a bit much though. That's just an example, but you hear that sort of thing often. Or you get, "What, your foot has swollen to twice it's normal size? So and so danced the whole of Swan Lake in the main role with a fractured femur, I think you can manage this rehearsal". It seems crazy to me. It's great to have things to aspire to, role models to look up to, but to be expected to bring the same level of commitment, to make the same sacrifices as some superstar? It's like your boss coming up to you at your desk in the IT department and going, "I know someone who worked with Bill Gates and he doesn't have coffee breaks, so why should you?". Sorry, probably a lame example, but I think you know what I'm trying to get at. Everyone applies themselves according to their own personal capabilities and inclination, what they want out of life. THEY choose to make the sacrifices they do.
So anyway, lately I've been thinking about what we do. We(dancers), choose to do what we do because we love it and we want to do it(obviously I speak for myself and, I believe, the vast majority). It is a damn hard job and requires commitment of the highest level, both physically and mentally. Often you push yourself so hard you feel like your body is going to break. Often it does. And often you then have to keep on pushing through. And the pay is pretty shitty. So when the going gets rough, you do often find yourself saying, "why do I bother? I could be doing something that demanded so much less of me and that I got paid so much more for." But isn't that what artists do? When I think about it, that is the plight of the artist, to find truth in their life, to achieve the highest realization of themself possible, regardless of the discomfort it may bring. They commit whole heartedly to the thing they choose to do, they become absorbed by it. Maybe it's only right, that seeing as we're lucky enough to have found something that we are totally passionate about, we should commit ourselves wholly to it. What greater purpose is there to life? The pursuit of money? Possessions? A life of ease and plenty? Maybe the real answer is that it's all relative, that it's all just as meaningful, and as meaningless. But maybe I'll just try and be a little more committed, to not fight it as much. Hmmm, this is all just questions. I also don't think it's a very good blog. I'm just thinking out loud really.
There was, however, a point that I wanted to make and that was this; Dance is something that it's exponents are passionate about, and devoted to. There are some wonderful people in the profession, people who are just as passionate and devoted, if not moreso, than others. They give their all and wish to give what they have to give. When teaching they offer the knowledge they have, they aspire to inspire, and they push their students, in order to help the student get the most out of being a dancer, and for the sake of the art. Then there are people who are obsessed with ballet. They live and breathe it, and think about nothing else. They live to dance, and when their career as a dancer is over, they become a teacher, clinging to the only world they've ever known. They push their students in an altogether different way. Often they tell them about the sacrifices that they, and other people made, implying that you should also make those sacrifices. They give an impression of being more devoted than anyone else ever was, and you could ever be, and make people feel bad if they don't dance 'til they drop every day. I suppose with those people it's all about ego(one of the biggest killers in our profession ;D), they do it for the limelight. Then no amount of it ever satisfies, and when they're out of it, they have to fight for some sort of way to be in it again. They vent on the people they teach every day who are lucky enough to be young and dancing.
That's a very broad generalisation. Everybody is different, everybody's motives are different, and the level of consciousness with which people act are different. The trouble is, when you're dealing with passion and devotion, you tread a very fine line, and on the other side, oh so very close, is fanaticism. It's like in many things. Take religion, for example. There are so many people in the world who have a wonderful faith in God, and a certain religion. They have a passion for it and it's teachings, for the joy it brings to their lives. They devote themselves to sharing that joy with others, and to sharing how they found that. Then there are the fanatics. Now I really don't know what connection a fanatic truly has to a religion. Isn't the ultimate purpose of religion to bring joy, liberation, unity, hope and eventually liberation from suffering? To commune with a higher intelligence, a higher state of being. So what does adhering so strictly to a set of rules that we are prepared to persecute, punish, kill and die for them really have to do with that?
In my mind, nothing.
I hope you Guys are all well. I also hope that you're not too perplexed by this somewhat odd blog. Tee hee. Oddblog. Maybe I should rename my blog that! Love you Guys xxxxxx