He Who Dares Rodders...

I'm sure you all know that feeling when you have pressing things to attend to, but can't, the way they hang over you. That has been the case with my application to migrate to Australia as Lisa's de facto spouse. (I am currently on a visa provided by the company, a visa that can only be held for so long, and also means I am a temporary resident and can only work for that one company). I first visited the migration agent in Februaury this year and got all the info on how it would work, although discovered that it was something that, at that time at least, was beyond my financial means (it still is to some degree!) . The government fees alone for lodging the application are 1,300 AU$. A medical also has to be undergone at the cost of 300AU$, amongst other things. Anyhoo, the company kindly extended my visa for another six months, until the end of this year, in order for me to get my shit (read cash) together. So now I've finally got everything together, filled out all the forms, gathered and had translated a whole heap of fairly random seeming documents to provide evidence of the relationship. I went and saw Brucey today (the migration agent, lovely Bloke) to have him look over everything and see that it's all in order. It is, apparently, all good and he couldn't see how they could possibly refuse the application. He also informed me that the department of immigration have, in the last couple of weeks, reinstated a system they had a couple of years ago whereby one makes an appointment for an interview, takes in the application and all supporting documents, as well as one's spouse. They then interview you both, look over the info and make a decision on the spot. Good eh?! Certainly compared to the system I thought I would have to use, i.e. lodge application, wait 4-12 weeks until they contact you with an interview date, wait longer until they tell you what's going on. So things are moving pretty quick now, after having been at a complete standstill for so long. I've hustled and bustled all day, and just called up and made my appointment for the 28th of November. I know it's probably not that big a deal but I feel pretty good about it all right now. I feel a bit like, "He who dares Rodders, he who dares my son!!"

Photos

After saying in my previous post that I'd head over to flickr and see what they had to offer, I did. They are, indeed, Mac friendly and it took me about two minutes to get set up. So now you can use the link to the right to head over to my flickr page and look at the pictures of pretty flowers. Thank you, TOA. I'll post some more photos soon, but REALLY should be getting to bed now!

Sunday night ramblings

I was about ready to head off to bed ten minutes or so ago when I realised I probably still had too much going on in my head. I had a sudden strong urge to write, so here I am, with nothing in particular to say. After my previous post(Um-ing and Ah-ing), I did a whole lot of thinking. I also had breakfast and a great chat with my Buddy Tama, which really helped me to see things in a different light. It helped me to see a little spark again, to realise that I'd lost sight of what dancing was all about for me. I had a sense that I really haven't given it a proper go yet, that I haven't really given it all my heart and soul for a consistent period in order to see where I can really go with it. I do believe that, as I suggested may have been the case in the aforementioned post, a large part of the reason for my ill feeling towards the whole thing may have been fear. It is probably quite a natural and common phenomenon in an artform so geared towards satisfying others that one can become so hung up on what others think that when others seem to be unimpressed by what one is doing, one becomes somewhat, well, fed up. I had a realisation that this was the case and if I am to continue dancing, the way forward is with awareness of, and great vigilance against this. I have to do it all for myself, remained focussed on what I am doing, and why.
This in itself seems a great reason to go on, to prove to myself that I can do it, the overcoming of a great obstacle. I thought maybe I should give it one more year, a year where I really turn up the heat and give it all I've got. If, at the end of such a year, I'm still not feeling it, at least I'll know I gave it my all. That'll also give me a year to think about other options and hopefully do some planning. So that's the plan. ( I shan't claim responsibility for this as it was suggested to me by my wonderful

Mum

, who always knows what to say to make me feel better. Call me a Mummy's Boy if you like, you'd be too if you had a Mum like mine!)
I did, earlier, have a little moment. When looking over my visa application once more now that it is almost ready to be submitted, and looking once more over the costs, I had a little flipout. It went somewhere along the lines of, "Oh for F*#^'s sake this is ridiculous, I'm going to be F*$@!*g broke again, I'm sick of this f&@$#*g S*@t, why does it always have to be like this, I might as well just F@$#&*g give up", and so on, and so forth. Pitiful. You can be truly grateful you missed it. Lisa wasn't so lucky.
So that was that. We had a lovely Sunday other than that. The day started with a City Cat ride over to the Botanical Gardens and a lovely walk around said gardens in the sunshine. Many photographs of sun dappled flowers were taken, including a picture of some of the first Frangipanis of the year. I would love to post these photos for you but sadly, as you have no doubt already heard me mention, they do not make the photo-on-blog-publishing-software for mac. Ah well, I'll have to look into other options. I do know that my good friend

Andrew

has recently taken to posting photos on flickr, I'll have to have a look and see if that is Mac friendly. After the Botanical Gardens, we wandered across the Goodwill Bridge into Southbank where we dined on some very fine fish and chips, something I've been craving for the best part of this week. We then did some grocery shopping, came home and changed before going to work for a memorial concert for the Boss' Mother who sadly passed away about a week ago. She was, apparently, a Lady who loved art, especially dance, music and literature. It was therefore a very sweet and fitting way to celebrate her life, having a small performance of some music, dance, and readings from pieces she had written herself.
After that, it was a pretty uneventful evening, other than my little tantrum.
It is now after midnight, what has recently become a time that I am enjoying more and more frequently. I always loved it, the peace and quiet. Going out on the balcony and looking at the lights in the distance, the stars in the night sky and hearing little other than the noise of animals. The steady, rhythmic chirping of the crickets punctuated by the occasional squeak of a bat or possum, all underlined by the steady, low hum of the city. I should really be in bed, especially as I have to get up on time tomorrow for my appointment with a piece of cold metal pressed against my naked chest. Yes folks, I couldn't think of a better way to start the day! I probably won't make it to work tomorrow due to my numerous visa-related appointments, starting with the x-ray to check for T.B.(what did you think I was talking about?), closely followed by a visit with Brucey to look over my application and supporting evidence in order to see if it's all in good shape. Once that's done, and the blood letting, sorry, taking on Thursday, and follow up medical the following Tuesday, the application can go off and it's all in the hands of fate. At last.
Ok, I really should get off to bed now, after just one little moment of quiet reflection on the balcony. I will write again soon, love and peace to you all xxxxx

Things that are rocking my world (part 2)

THE WORD 'ASUNDER'

It's a beautiful, beautiful word, and using it in my previous post gave me more pleasure than one might think possible from using a word in a sentence.
I'm going to bed now. xxxxx

....Things that are rocking my world (part 1)

BRISSIE STORMS

I always loved a good storm, but the storms here reallly are something else. I love it. I seem to remember it being the case that with storms in England, everything would hit at pretty much the same time, bit of thunder, bit of lightening, then rain. Here, however, you can have lightening for hours and think nothing else is going to happen before BOOM, all of a sudden, a crash of thunder and down comes the rain in torrents. And the lightening, WOW! Sheet lightening? Fork lightening? Ball lightening? How about all of them together? How about when lightening lights up the sky brighter than day, but a crazy, explosive, purple-blue sun day. When it tears the sky asunder, one giant fork bisecting the sky from top to bottom and even more giant forks shooting out sideways from that. We also have the perfect aprtment for storm watching. Seven stories up, looking out over the river and all the way to the hills in the distance. I could just stand on the balcony all night watching that, thunder seeming to be shaking the whole building apart. Awesome. As in Awe-some, not as in Cowabunga Dude!

Um-ing and Ah-ing

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. So much that it's kind of starting to do my head in. You know when you have things to think about and you just keep thinking around in circles and you almost find yourself desperate that someone will just tell you what to think, or what to do. But in the end, only you can decide? Yeah, that's me right now.
You see, as I said in my previous post, I've been questioning whether I'm really in the right line of work or not. I feel that my Boss asks a lot of me, and wants more dedication than I think I'm prepared to give. (we'll leave my feelings that he wants more from me than other members of the company and offers less in return aside). I had a meeting with him today and he said that he feels that I've been distracted lately and that I haven't been "present" enough. He expressed his opinion that often people who are, "open minded and enjoy life and good times with friends and comforts", are often not that well suited to ballet, and that I'm not an ambitious enough person. I agreed entirely. You see ballet just seems to consume so much of one's life. For example, from now until the end of the year, we only have one two-day weekend. The rest of the time it's six day weeks all the way. And that's just something really obvious. There are far more subtle things. But I digress, I'm not here to bitch about external factors, I want to talk about me(for a change!). I guess I just feel that I don't get it at the moment. I don't see what the point is. I never suffered that in the past, I wanted to dance and that was it. I had my dreams of becoming a big star or whatever. Now though, I've started to get real, for one thing, about the whole becoming a star crap. I don't think that was ever on the cards. I've also started to wonder if dancing was ever about more than ego, wanting to dance, to be watched, and wanting to become a star. Along the way I might have reasoned it with wanting to inspire people, wanting to express beauty or something. I really couldn't say what right now though because whether or not I'm just utterly jaded, it seems to me that dance is completely selfish. Dancers want to dance because they want to dance, want to be watched, whatever. Ego. And people who watch dance are only inspired to dance, or watch more dance, aren't they? It's not like if you read a really amazing book that can shake you up and make you look at your life in a different way, or music that picks you up when you're down, helps your soul soar. It's not like the medium of film or television, which, correctly used, are hugely powerful and can move us deeply to make changes, to live better. We can be moved so easily to laughter or tears. Maybe it's just been too long since I've seen a really great dance performance, because I do remember having been made to laugh by dance. I have been truly moved by great performances. I just don't feel like what I'm doing as a dancer has any of that value.
So now to the conundrum. I figure that I feel this way about the whole thing, being a ballet dancer really isn't that well paid, and that I'm not getting any younger. Maybe it's about time I got myself a proper job. Because let's face it, the way things are right now, I'm in a job that doesn't make me happy, is consuming an enormous amount of my life and energy, as well as not being very well paid. I might as well at least have a job that I can earn better money doing, and have a life to enjoy, as well as having some sort of prospects for earning more money in the future, even if it's not something that I particularly enjoy doing. Call me shallow, but I have found a Woman who I truly love, and would like to some day start a family with. That is inconceivable right now because, putting aside the fact Lisa is still a dancer and wants to be for a while yet, I would simply not be able to provide for a family. So many factors, and maybe I'm just using that as a get out clause.
Conundrum number two, the next step. If I were to quit at the end of the year, what would I do? Well, I'd take whatever job I could for the time being, in order to work things out. Ultimately I would need to do some study in order to get into another line of work. So I'm thinking about what I could do and there are a whole load of things that would interest me, that I'd like to do, but then I realise that they're all things that would take a lot of me. So what's with me? I think that I struggle greatly with myself because I am a passionate person, but as such find it very hard to fully engage in anything that I'm not passionate about for any prolonged period. I am very much a Gemini, and have two very contrasting sides. On the one hand, I think I would love a solution where I could get a shitload of money with very little effort. I could take it easy, enjoy the good life, have the time and money to spend at least a couple of months a year with my Mum, Bro and other family and friends in London. On the other hand, though, I need to be inspired, I need to feel I have a purpose.
Th biggest question of all though, is, "is it all just me?". Is this really about me not being happy dancing? When I look back over my dance career, I have spent so much time doubting it, asking these questions. Is it just that I'm picking holes in it all and should just get on and do it? Would I find myself feeling this way no matter what I do, no matter where I find myself? Another thing is that I'm trying to look inside for these answers and keep the finger of blame from pointing anywhere. In the interests of fairness to myself, though, I do have to ask if maybe I've just gotten unlucky with the places I've worked. Maybe I've just never worked for someone who understands and appreciates me as a person and an artist. I did have a good chat with the boss this morning. He was very nice, and very fair, so I don't wish to knock him. I do, however, maintain that he doesn't trust me as a dancer, and never has. It seems sad to say it, as I like to consider myself quite a strong, well rounded individual, but in my time with QB, I've never really felt, or been made to feel confident in my abilities as a dancer.
Ok, I'm done. It's all just too complex and I could ramble on forever but don't wish to. It's also late and I'm tired from all this endless, pointless pondering. It's getting me nowhere. And now you've shared in it, you'll probably be feeling pretty frazzled! Anyway, it's all good, I'll find the answers, I'll find my place, eventually. I love you all and hope you're well. Also, please don't worry about me as I am well and happy. I have life, I have food on the table, friends and family who love me, and whom I love very dearly indeed. There is beauty all around, and endless possibilities. There is my Beautiful Lisa Bear, who despite being recovering from injury and having plenty to think about, has been an absolute saint, has been my sunshine(not that there's not plenty outside!) God Bless her. There are, indeed, plenty of.......(go to post above, if you haven't already read it!)

Let the Healing Begin!

Well, well well, has it been a long time since I've done this? Too long. So much has happened, most of it pretty insignificant, but I'm sure I'll manage to bring you up to speed eventually, as I plan to make a real go of this blogging thing now.
As some of you will know, I'm not long back from the tour from hell. Just over a month on the road with the Queensland Ballet. New South Wales, Victoria and Tasmania. We started in Frankston, then up to Bathurst, then out to Parramatta before heading down to Hobart. After that it was back up and in to Wagga Wagga, then to Orange before concluding in Wollongong. Maybe it doesn't sound so bad but life on the road with a ballet company really ain't that glamorous. Plus living out of a suitcase and living off takeaway gets tired very quickly. Oh, and did I mention that Lisa, my partner in crime, my sunshine, the person who is all too often the only thing standing between me and complete insanity, got injured and had to go home after Parramatta(two weeks into the tour).
On the bright side, however, there were some great things. Seeing seven new places, and many in between, including some truly spectacular scenery in the Blue Mountains, just West of Sydney (there are pictures, if Blogger ever make the software for publishing photos on one's blog for mac). Meeting my internet Buddies Bodhi and The Other Andrew for the first time in the flesh and spending a truly wonderful day with them in Sydney. They took Lisa and I (on one of the last days before she had to go home) on a wonderful tour of Sydney, taking in The Rocks markets, the Queen Victoria Building (and some of the finest chocolate this chocoholic has ever tasted!), Darling Harbour and the Chinese Gardens of Friendship at Darling Harbour, amongst other things. The weather was perfect and the company even better. That day alone made all the pain of the tour worth it! However, there was also the wonderful day spent in Dubbo. For those of you not in the know, Lisa is from Dubbo. The shows in Orange, what with Orange being so close to Dubbo, were a perfect opportunity for Lisa's family, many of whom have not seen her dance for quite some time, to see her dance. So they all had tickets. When faced with spending the best part of three weeks at home and not able to do much, Lisa opted to go home to Dubbo for part of that time, which also meant that she could come and watch the shows we were doing in Orange, as well as giving cuddles and much moral support to yours truly. So I was able to go back with Lisa and her parents after the show on Saturday night, visiting Dubbo for the first time, and spend my Sunday off there, before being very kindly driven the two hour drive back to Orange early enough on Monday morning to catch the coach to Wollongong. It was a real treat, spending a day with such lovely people in their lovely home. I also got to meet Lisa's eldest Brother Scott and his Wife Karen for the first time, and catch up with the younger of the two (both Lisa's Brothers are older than her), Darrin, and his Girlfriend Cheriee, both of whom I have had the good fortune of meeting before.
Despite those great times though, by the end of it all I was feeling pretty jaded, hating everything and giving serious thought to what I could do if I quit ballet (those of you who know me, and probably any of you who know a ballet dancer, will probably know that this is not uncommon).
So coming home was truly to see the light at the end of the tunnel and sunshine after the rain, and not just in the most literal sense of returning to Brisbane's sunny embrace. It was also coming home to the place we call home now, to our beautiful apartment, with my Beautiful Girlfriend waiting to welcome me, with Gingerbread Men, Ginger Beer and Balloons! You know that feeling of coming home, when you feel you can exhale again. Immediately I could feel all that tension, all the anger began to ebb away. Within a few days of coming back I was almost feeling as good as new.
Needless to say it was straight back into things. We got back to Brissie mid afternoon on Sunday, had Monday off and were back in on Tuesday for a launch on Wednesday (so little of a performance as almost not to be a performance at all, but a performance nonetheless), and another (likewise) performance on Friday evening. A week after that (Saturday just passed), we had the first in a two week run of a new program of the studio series' we do at the Thomas Dixon Centre, where we rehearse. Another stressful week. By Saturday I was pretty much right back there. And you know what? I realised it's not the people, not the situation, but me. Admittedly, there are elements of the work, and people that I work with, that are pretty tough, pretty aggravating, pretty make you want to rip your own head off and throw it at them frustrating, but isn't that just the case everywhere? And I'm just as bad. I should know better, I should be the bigger man, I should be doing the best that I can to make the most of it, to soothe grossly swollen egos, or at least to let it all go right over the top of my head. But I don't, God help me I don't. I let it get right to me. I get so frustrated at people's failings and spend so much time thinking about how I wouldn't do that, or people shouldn't do that, should be more organised, should be more polite, more considerate, have more empathy, not be so bloody selfish! Then I dive right in and aggravate those sensitive souls by not making any effort to conceal that facial expression that says, "What the F.....?", when I'm looking at them. I let them piss me right off, and ocasionally, very ocasionally, I tell them to, "Get off my back for just one second". Not so harsh, admittedly, and not so unreasonable a request either, but something that would have been better left unsaid. For my own sake.
You see that's what it's all about. People plod along in life, acting the way they act, doing the things they do, and not really thinking about it, not looking back to see the carnage they leave in their wake. We connect with so many people, the person that brightens up our morning with an unexpected good deed, the person who pisses us right off by cutting us off in traffic, right up to those people who we hold near and dear, who mean the most to us in life. What truly sticks with us though, is what we feel, how we feel about ourselves, how we handled a certain situation, a day in our life, our life. I don't want to regret being so caught up in what other people are or aren't doing that I forget to enjoy life, to make the most of all the beauty around. I don't want to care so much about what other people think about me that I forget that people will be people, and if some arsehole ruins my day, it's my fault I lost a day through not just going, "what an arsehole", and forgetting all about it, but instead joining in and acting like an arsehole too.
So I'm still thinking about what I can do when I quit ballet, but instead of thinking about what I can do in a real hurry so I can get out quick, I'm going to stick with it a while. I think it's a good opportunity to work on myself so that I don't taint whatever else I do with all this crap. I can then also plan better what I'm going to do, which is not such a bad idea anyway as the career life expectancy for a dancer is probably about thirty five. That does, however, depend on me not having been too much of an arsehole to get my contract renewed next year. Oh well, should that happen, I shall accept it as my fate and work with it. This is where the healing begins. A bit of self arse kicking. A lot of discipline. Yoga. Reflection. Opening up, even to the people that really, REALLY piss me off. All that nonsense. And if I can't do it for myself, I have to do it for the people around me. Poor Lisa has got her own shit to deal with right now, what with her injury, and has had to deal with a complete mess of a Boyfriend. Poor Love.
Oh, and the other major part of my self imposed "therapy"? Writing my whiny, self pitying thoughts on this Blog. Be afraid, be VERY afraid!
I love you all. I'm really sorry for the long absence, and I'll write again soon. Promise. Even if it's totally mundane. Which it almost certainly will be.
Take good care of yourselves xxxxx