Um-ing and Ah-ing

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. So much that it's kind of starting to do my head in. You know when you have things to think about and you just keep thinking around in circles and you almost find yourself desperate that someone will just tell you what to think, or what to do. But in the end, only you can decide? Yeah, that's me right now.
You see, as I said in my previous post, I've been questioning whether I'm really in the right line of work or not. I feel that my Boss asks a lot of me, and wants more dedication than I think I'm prepared to give. (we'll leave my feelings that he wants more from me than other members of the company and offers less in return aside). I had a meeting with him today and he said that he feels that I've been distracted lately and that I haven't been "present" enough. He expressed his opinion that often people who are, "open minded and enjoy life and good times with friends and comforts", are often not that well suited to ballet, and that I'm not an ambitious enough person. I agreed entirely. You see ballet just seems to consume so much of one's life. For example, from now until the end of the year, we only have one two-day weekend. The rest of the time it's six day weeks all the way. And that's just something really obvious. There are far more subtle things. But I digress, I'm not here to bitch about external factors, I want to talk about me(for a change!). I guess I just feel that I don't get it at the moment. I don't see what the point is. I never suffered that in the past, I wanted to dance and that was it. I had my dreams of becoming a big star or whatever. Now though, I've started to get real, for one thing, about the whole becoming a star crap. I don't think that was ever on the cards. I've also started to wonder if dancing was ever about more than ego, wanting to dance, to be watched, and wanting to become a star. Along the way I might have reasoned it with wanting to inspire people, wanting to express beauty or something. I really couldn't say what right now though because whether or not I'm just utterly jaded, it seems to me that dance is completely selfish. Dancers want to dance because they want to dance, want to be watched, whatever. Ego. And people who watch dance are only inspired to dance, or watch more dance, aren't they? It's not like if you read a really amazing book that can shake you up and make you look at your life in a different way, or music that picks you up when you're down, helps your soul soar. It's not like the medium of film or television, which, correctly used, are hugely powerful and can move us deeply to make changes, to live better. We can be moved so easily to laughter or tears. Maybe it's just been too long since I've seen a really great dance performance, because I do remember having been made to laugh by dance. I have been truly moved by great performances. I just don't feel like what I'm doing as a dancer has any of that value.
So now to the conundrum. I figure that I feel this way about the whole thing, being a ballet dancer really isn't that well paid, and that I'm not getting any younger. Maybe it's about time I got myself a proper job. Because let's face it, the way things are right now, I'm in a job that doesn't make me happy, is consuming an enormous amount of my life and energy, as well as not being very well paid. I might as well at least have a job that I can earn better money doing, and have a life to enjoy, as well as having some sort of prospects for earning more money in the future, even if it's not something that I particularly enjoy doing. Call me shallow, but I have found a Woman who I truly love, and would like to some day start a family with. That is inconceivable right now because, putting aside the fact Lisa is still a dancer and wants to be for a while yet, I would simply not be able to provide for a family. So many factors, and maybe I'm just using that as a get out clause.
Conundrum number two, the next step. If I were to quit at the end of the year, what would I do? Well, I'd take whatever job I could for the time being, in order to work things out. Ultimately I would need to do some study in order to get into another line of work. So I'm thinking about what I could do and there are a whole load of things that would interest me, that I'd like to do, but then I realise that they're all things that would take a lot of me. So what's with me? I think that I struggle greatly with myself because I am a passionate person, but as such find it very hard to fully engage in anything that I'm not passionate about for any prolonged period. I am very much a Gemini, and have two very contrasting sides. On the one hand, I think I would love a solution where I could get a shitload of money with very little effort. I could take it easy, enjoy the good life, have the time and money to spend at least a couple of months a year with my Mum, Bro and other family and friends in London. On the other hand, though, I need to be inspired, I need to feel I have a purpose.
Th biggest question of all though, is, "is it all just me?". Is this really about me not being happy dancing? When I look back over my dance career, I have spent so much time doubting it, asking these questions. Is it just that I'm picking holes in it all and should just get on and do it? Would I find myself feeling this way no matter what I do, no matter where I find myself? Another thing is that I'm trying to look inside for these answers and keep the finger of blame from pointing anywhere. In the interests of fairness to myself, though, I do have to ask if maybe I've just gotten unlucky with the places I've worked. Maybe I've just never worked for someone who understands and appreciates me as a person and an artist. I did have a good chat with the boss this morning. He was very nice, and very fair, so I don't wish to knock him. I do, however, maintain that he doesn't trust me as a dancer, and never has. It seems sad to say it, as I like to consider myself quite a strong, well rounded individual, but in my time with QB, I've never really felt, or been made to feel confident in my abilities as a dancer.
Ok, I'm done. It's all just too complex and I could ramble on forever but don't wish to. It's also late and I'm tired from all this endless, pointless pondering. It's getting me nowhere. And now you've shared in it, you'll probably be feeling pretty frazzled! Anyway, it's all good, I'll find the answers, I'll find my place, eventually. I love you all and hope you're well. Also, please don't worry about me as I am well and happy. I have life, I have food on the table, friends and family who love me, and whom I love very dearly indeed. There is beauty all around, and endless possibilities. There is my Beautiful Lisa Bear, who despite being recovering from injury and having plenty to think about, has been an absolute saint, has been my sunshine(not that there's not plenty outside!) God Bless her. There are, indeed, plenty of.......(go to post above, if you haven't already read it!)